Hard Truths About IVF
The questions people are afraid to ask.
The answers no one gives honestly.
Before You Start
These questions often come before any medication or appointments. They don’t mean you’re ungrateful or uncommitted. They simply mean you’re human.
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Then you don't. Hope isn't a requirement for starting IVF; it's just what people expect you to feel. Some people begin treatment with clarity and determination, not optimism. Some start because it's the next step, not because they believe it'll work. You can move forward without hope. What matters is that you're making the choice that feels right for where you are now.
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Yes. You've already been carrying this, the trying, the waiting, the disappointment, the decisions. IVF isn't the beginning of your fertility journey. It's often closer to the middle, or later. Being tired before you start means you've already been through something. That exhaustion is absolute.
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You probably don't. Readiness for IVF isn't a feeling you arrive at; it's a decision you make without knowing how it will go. Some people start when they feel clear. Others start when they've run out of other options. Neither is more valid.
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That's allowed. You can want a child and not want IVF. You can be grateful for the option and resent that you need it. You can move forward while part of you wishes there was another way. Ambivalence doesn't mean you're doing the wrong thing; it means this is hard and complicated, which it is.
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Whatever feels more manageable. Some people need support. Others need privacy and control over their own narrative. Both are valid. You can also change your mind, start private share later, or share early and pull back if it becomes too much. There's no right way to hold this.
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You might. Or you might not. Either way, you'll make the next decision from there. Regret doesn't mean you made the wrong choice, it just means you're human and this is hard. You're allowed to feel however you feel about it, even if that feeling changes.
The Physical Reality
The physical side of IVF is often explained clinically, not experientially. There's a difference
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Most don't hurt as much as you think they will. Some sting. Some leave bruises. The anticipation is often worse than the needle itself. But it's still a lot to ask of your body every day, not because of the pain, but because of the repetition, the surrender, the daily reminder of what you're doing and why.
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Bloated. Tender. Tired. Some people feel fine in a day. Some need a week. It's unpredictable, and that's frustrating when you're trying to plan your life around it. Your body did something big; it's allowed to need time.
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Depends on your work and your body. Stimulation is usually manageable with some flexibility for appointments. Retrieval day and a few days after, probably not. The two-week wait is mentally exhausting even if you're physically fine. Build in more rest than you think you'll need.
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It does a lot in a short amount of time. You might feel bloated, emotional, or uncomfortable. You might feel nothing. Your body is being asked to produce more eggs than it would naturally, and that takes up space, physically and mentally. Some people feel very aware of their ovaries. Others don't. Both are normal.
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Sometimes. Your body's doing a lot. Intimacy can feel clinical, pressured, or just off. That's normal. It doesn't mean anything's wrong with your relationship. It means you're navigating something that affects your body in ways that aren't always conducive to feeling present or connected.
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Maybe not right away. IVF asks a lot of your body in a short time, hormones, procedures, waiting, change. Some of that's temporary. Some of it lingers. Your body will be different in some ways. That's not failure, it's just what happens when you ask your body to do something this big.
The Emotional Weight
IVF isn't just emotionally intense; it's emotionally layered. Many feelings can be true at once.
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Yes. Hope and grief can coexist. Some days you'll feel both. Some days you'll feel neither. You're not failing by not being inspirational through this. Positivity isn't a requirement; it's just what people expect because they don't know what else to offer.
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Because it is, IVF isn't just medical appointments, it's hope held against loss, control met with uncertainty, your body doing things it wouldn't naturally do. Even when you know it'll be hard, the reality of carrying it is different. You're not weak for struggling. This is just hard.
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Yes. Angry that you need IVF. Angry that it's expensive. Angry at bodies that work differently. Angry at people who don't get it. Enraged at the hope for being so exhausting. Anger is allowed. It doesn't make you bitter or ungrateful; it makes you human.
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Because they land on something already tender. "Just relax." "At least you can try." "Everything happens for a reason." People mean well, but the comments stick because they miss the weight of what you're actually holding. You're not being too sensitive, the comments just don't match the reality.
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Yes. And they often do during IVF. You can hope this works and grieve that you're here. You can want this deeply and resent what it's costing. You can feel loss for what didn't happen and hope for what might. All of it can be true at once.
The Waiting
Waiting is often described as a pause. In reality, it's its own kind of work.
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Distraction and low expectations for yourself. You're not going to "stay busy" your way out of the anxiety. But you can be gentle with how much you ask of yourself during it. Rest when you need to. Let things slide that can slide. The waiting is work, even when it looks like nothing's happening.
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That's your call. Some people need to know as soon as possible. Some would rather wait for the blood test. There's no right answer, just what you can handle. Early testing gives you information sooner, but it also extends the emotional timeline. Only you know which feels more manageable.
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Whatever gets you through. Some people distract. Some people rest. Some people plan for both outcomes. There's no productive way to wait, just ways that feel slightly more bearable than others. Do what you need to do, even if it's nothing.
Relationships
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Other People
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Relationships · Other People ·
IVF doesn't just affect you, it affects how you navigate everyone around you.
What do I say when people ask, "Any news?"Whatever feels manageable in that moment. "Not yet" works. "We're not sharing updates right now" works. "I'll let you know when there's something to share" works. You don't owe anyone real-time progress reports. You're allowed to set boundaries around what you share and when.
How do I handle pregnancy announcements right now?However you need to. It's okay to mute people. It's okay to skip baby showers. It's okay to feel happy for them and devastated for yourself at the same time. Both things can be true. Your grief doesn't diminish their joy, and their joy doesn't erase your pain.
Will my partner understand what this feels like?Probably not completely, even if they're going through it with you. Your bodies are experiencing different things. That doesn't mean they don't care, it means this is hard to share even with the person closest to you. You can be in it together and still feel alone in parts of it.
When Things Don’t
Go as Planned
Loss in IVF isn't always visible or linear. That doesn't make it any less real.
What members
are asking
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You'll grieve. That's allowed. You'll decide what comes next when you're ready, not on anyone else's timeline. There's no right way to process a failed cycle. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel, even if it's not what you expected.
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You'll know when the cost, emotional, physical, and financial, outweighs what you can carry. That limit is different for everyone, and it can change. Stopping isn't giving up. Sometimes it's the bravest choice.
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Yes. Relief that the waiting is over. Relief that you don't have to hold hope and fear in the same breath anymore. Relief doesn't mean you didn't want it to work; it just means the tension of not knowing was its own kind of unbearable.
What Actually Helps
What should people do if they want to support me?
Tangible things. Meals. Showing up without needing a response. Asking "What do you need?" instead of "Let me know if you need anything." Not saying "It'll happen when it's meant to." Presence without pressure. Care without fixing.
Do I need to join an IVF support group?
Only if it helps. Some people need community. Some people find the noise overwhelming. You're allowed to do this quietly if that's what you need. Support groups aren't a requirement; they're just one option.
Support isn't one-size-fits-all. What helps most often looks smaller and more personal than people expect.
Is it okay to do this quietly?
Yes. You don't have to share your story. You don't have to educate people. You don't have to be an advocate or inspiration. You're allowed to move through this privately, taking only the support you actually want. Quiet isn't isolation; sometimes it's just protection.
What can I do for myself when everything feels out of control?
Small things you can control. What you eat. When you rest. Who you talk to. What you say no to. You can't control the outcome, but you can control some of the conditions around you. .
Is it okay to need different things at different times?
It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
How do I support myself when no one else gets it?
However, you need to. Therapy. Journaling. Walking. Quiet. Letting yourself grieve in real time. Not forcing hope. Not pretending this is fine. Treating yourself like you'd treat someone you love going through something hard.
DisclaimerSolacove provides emotional support and information about navigating IVF treatment. We are not medical professionals, therapists, or clinicians. Nothing on this site replaces the care and guidance of your healthcare provider, mental health professional, or fertility clinic.
If you're experiencing a medical emergency, contact your doctor or call 911 immediately. If you're in crisis or need mental health support, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741.
The experiences and perspectives shared here reflect lived reality, not medical advice. Your body, your treatment, your decisions. Always consult your care team.